Peter Pan Syndrome

August is here again.  For many, August means school is back in session.  For me, August means I’ve lived another year.  As I’ve prepared to enter into the later half of my 20’s (26), I have thought and read a lot about my fellow twenty-something’s and how we have struggled to become “real adults”.  

Over the last decade or two, the number of young adults that have returned home after college, or never left, seems to have skyrocketed.  What is happening to us?  Why can’t we find real jobs and be financially responsible/independent?  

Brian Simmons defines this awkward stage of life as Emerging Adulthood.  It’s the idea of living in that place in between…knowing that they are no longer teenagers but not feeling fully grown up yet either.  Simmons goes on to say that “...they experience life for several years suspended in mid-air between the trapeze of adolescence and the trapeze of adulthood”.  

 I’ll admit that there is definitely a tension present, but there’s got to be more of an explanation than just not being able to lock in your dream job.  Part of the issue is something I like to call Peter Pan Syndrome.  Us twenty-something’s grew up at a time that aging and growing up was considered the enemy.  We’ve progressed through the years with a “Never grow up!” mentality.  

The Trap of Upward Mobility

Throughout the course of the 90’s and into the new millennium, attending a 4-year college became the norm.  We were taught and encouraged from an early age that the thing to do after high-school is go to college-because if you don’t go to college then you’ll never be able to get a good job or find anything outside of the realm of flipping burgers for the rest of your life.  

College truly is a great thing-pursuing higher education and being the best you can be is wonderful.  BUT, accumulating thousands of dollars of debt before the age of 22 is not so great.  

Dozens of my college friends thrived and even excelled from semester to semester all just to return home after 4 years of higher education.  You’ve got the degree, but no one will hire you without any work experience.  I’ve literally had this conversation with friend after friend.  So now, you can’t find a job within the realm of your degree, you have no money-scratch that, you OWE lots of money, and the only place to go is home.  

There is nothing wrong with going to college, but maybe it isn’t for everyone.  Perhaps those that do go to college need to be more intentional in seeking out real life experience rather than just reveling in your first “on your own” experience.  

My college experience shaped and molded me more than I ever imagined it would, but what shaped me the most was my work experiences while in college.  Sure, I missed out on tons of the fun activities on campus, but I had a pretty impressive and established resume for a 20 year old.  Sometimes, we have to skip what’s the most fun in order to pursue what’s the most advantageous for the future.  

Can we just blame our parents?

The answer is a big fat no. Let’s be honest here, to a certain extent, our parents were (and in many instances, still are) enablers.  Mom and Pop want to give us the things that their parents couldn’t offer to them.  For many of us, this included way too many clothes, buying our first car for us, not making us work in high school, and holding our hands all the way through college.  

Now mom and dad, we love you for it, but maybe your helping is actually hurting.  Yes, mom and dad, we will always be your babies, but as J.M. Barrie (author of Peter Pan) explained, “All children, except one, grow up.”. Adulthood is inevitable, but we’ve got to do a better job of preparing children and teens for the realities of growing up. 

Jeffery Arnett noted that since 1950 there has been a trend in America toward delaying or postponing the things which complete transformation into full adulthood.  As Americans ages twenty to twenty-nine delay their transition to full adulthood, they create another phase of the life cycle: emerging adulthood.  AKA: Peter Pan Syndrome. 

            So now we have 27 year olds working 12 hour night shifts and playing video games while their parents are at work.  We’ve gotten to a point in which seeing people in their mid-twenties still living at home is the norm. 

The age at which young adults get married has gone from 18-22 up to 27-35.  Is this because our 20-something’s don’t really understand how to adult yet?  My concern is that the issue seems much deeper than just the age in which we marry. Are we avoiding responsibility until certain things fall into place for us?  We spend this decade wandering around waiting for the next big thing rather than being a successful contributor to society in the here and now.  

            It’s time to move out of mom and dad’s basement and blaze our own trials.  It’s time to actively pursue rather than sit around waiting for everything to be handed to you on a silver platter. It’s time to stop blaming society or your degree choice. It’s time to grow up. 

“To live will be an awfully big adventure.” –J.M. Barrie

^{*Information gathered from Brian Simmon’s Wandering in the Wilderness, and Jeffery Arnett’s Emerging Adults in America: Coming of Age in the 21st Century.}

I Had A Moment.

 Friends, I had a moment today.  I didn’t make a scene, nor was it your typical meltdown “moment”, but goodness, did it tear me to pieces.  Today was a busy day-not bad-just busy.  In busy times I suddenly turn everything into a mission that I must rush to complete.  I scurried out of church to put the final touches on my planned out Father’s Day lunch and quickly grabbed a cart to dash toward the produce section of Walmart.  (I know, I know.  Big mistake going to Walmart on a Sunday right after church.)    

Then it happened.  As I was rummaging through the salad mix I heard a familiar voice.  You know the voice I’m talking about-the voice of a very sweet little old man that is just as precious as can be, but talks as slow as molasses and is certainly the last person you want to see at Walmart while you’re on a “mission”. 

Well this particular sweet little old man lives alone.  His beloved wife passed on many years ago, but not before his daughter with special needs that he loved with all his heart left this earth at an early age.  Yet here I am trying to figure out the quickest way possible to end our conversation and carry on with my “important Father’s Day mission”. 

Did I think about the fact that this sweet little old man was at Walmart right after church to figure out what he was about to have for lunch on Father’s Day?  No.  Not even a little bit.  Did I consider the fact that this man was and is a Father with no living daughter to celebrate this special day with? 

I’d love to be able to say that it hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment and I immediately insisted that he join my parents and I for lunch at my house, but it didn’t.  In fact, the reality of how I quickly ended the conversation and how hard days like today must be for him didn’t hit me until I got back to my car. 

I had a moment.  A moment of selfishness.  A moment in which I was too caught up in my own little world to care about those around me.  A moment that I can’t take back.  A moment that speaks volumes about my own heart. 

Friends, I hate those moments, but I’m thankful for the teachable moments that immediately follow suit.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  ~Philippians 2:3-4

The Strong, Independent Woman...And Why I Don't Want to be One.

1. Being a woman isn’t about one-upping man.  
          In the shifting sands of our culture, we are losing sight of Biblical identities and gender roles. In the creation account we see that both male and female are equally made in God’s image.  They are both made in and reflect the image of God, but we cannot deny that there are differences.  Those differences greatly exceed physiological contrasts.  

There are profound, real differences between men and women.  Not just in our practical, logical, or methodical reasoning, but in God’s design. From the beginning of time men and women have been given specific roles.  God’s plan is good, necessary, and important and things work best when they function according to their design.  

Jesus acknowledged women, pointed them to the Father, and treated them with equality-which totally went against the grain of society at that time.  The Holy Spirit came upon both men and women at Pentecost.  Women are not less than men; they are just given different responsibilities in fulfilling the same purpose.  Our goal as women isn’t to be just like man or even prove that we can do everything better than they can, but to be exactly who we are meant to be: women.  

2.  Submission: Being under authority is not a bad thing. 

“For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.” 1 Corinthians 11:8-9

My egalitarian friends would argue that there are no God-created distinctions.  They would argue that Adam’s headship over Eve is a result of the Fall. But God had these distinctions in place from the beginning of time.  Submission is not the same thing as passivity and it is not a sign of weakness.  Obedient submission is not accidental and following the Lord (or God forbid, a man) requires faith, strength, and trust.  

  At the Fall, the woman’s punishment was directly related to something that only a woman can do; bear children. Similarly, as a consequence of his sin, man’s punishment was within his primary sphere of life-the realm of the work place. God has given men the primary responsibility to lead, feed, and defend the flock.  They are to give protection, oversight, and leadership.  Blurring the lines of distinction between men and women erases the picture of Christ’s being the head of the Church.  

       Now our culture forces this idea of “gender identity openness” and encourages women to be just like men and vice versa.  However, the reality is, men and women were never intended to be just alike.   

3.  Proving that you can do anything men can defeats your God-given purpose.

 Scripture never belittles women (or men for that matter).  Both are made in the image of God. Men and women have equal worth and dignity before the Lord. We need each others differences.  They balance and complement one another.  We aren’t meant to be independent of one another and compete with one another, but complement one another. We have all been given spiritual gifts to serve Him for the common good; for the building up of the whole body of Christ.  

  I wouldn’t expect my toothbrush to dually function as my hairbrush and if it were attempted, I would be terribly disappointed in the outcome.  In the same way, it is silly to expect a woman to be just like a man when she wasn’t meant to be.  

Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m all for being what I like to call a “sturdy little woman”.  I believe we are all-as women- biblically called to work hard, serve well, and be whole-heartedly obedient to the Lord.  Female friends, man (or anyone else for that matter) cannot complete you.  Should you be dependent on man? No.  Should you serve alongside man so that God’s plan from the beginning of time can be seen through?  Absolutely.  

4. Men and women are equal, but that does not mean we are the same.

   God intentionally made men and women different. As women, our goal should be to make men feel like, well, men.  This isn’t a competition. Our functions and roles within the body of Christ are different.  God has ordained distinctions in both the home and the church.  Those differences allow and enable us to reflect God’s created order.  

God's plan must be lived out God’s way. It’s time to stop trying to “prove yourself” to the world and just be a woman. Because that is enough.

Serving God in the Hallway

Over the last few years I’ve developed a tradition of sorts in which I watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy at the closing of each academic semester as I work to finish up final assignments and prepare for exams.  One of my favorite lines from Tolkien’s infamous writings is a word of wisdom from Bilbo Baggins: 

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

A dangerous business….When it comes to following Christ, we associate danger and risk with leaving; going from the known and comfortable to the unknown. We are often guilty of loving the Lord, but still wanting control of our lives.  We hope and pray that God won’t call us to hard things; to leave our families, our homes, our comforts-to do what we consider a dangerous, risky business. 

We fear the unknown. But culturally speaking, risks are associated with adventure, excitement, and adrenaline. We seek out risks and are willing to financially invest in “risky” activities such as skydiving, whitewater rafting, racing….there’s a pride and honor that comes within the territories of risk.  

We live in a society that constantly tells us to chase the latest and greatest, to change ourselves along with the seasons. To always be on the lookout for the next opportunity.  What if the riskier thing to do for God is to keep doing exactly what we’re doing for the time being?

It is so easy to get bogged down in day to day life.  Going to school, walking the dogs, preparing dinner, driving the kids to their activities… maybe God’s overarching desire is for us to stand firm.  To be present.

Missionary and martyr Jim Elliot once said “Wherever you are, be all there! Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God!”. 

If we are living out God’s will for our lives, who are we to determine if it is mundane?  Maybe we should be allowing our feet to sink in a while and keep at the hard, dirty, messy work in which we’re involved.  I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “When God shuts one door He opens another”, well maybe the second door has not opened yet.  Perhaps for right now the riskier option is to praise and serve God in the hallway; in the waiting.  

May we stand firm and embrace the mundane risks of the present.

Josh Duggar, Kim Davis, and All Things Controversial

I’ll be the first to admit that I was devastated when public light was shed on Josh Duggar’s private sins involving the molestation of some of his sisters.  I grieved for his family, his wife, and the Church.  Sin always seems to be multiplied and magnified when a known Christian’s lack of perfection is revealed.

 However, I think it’s good for the world to see that we too make mistakes, occasionally lack good judgment, and are constantly in need of grace.  It hurt my heart to read of further criticism and scrutiny heaped upon the Duggar’s once the entire country was slammed with the ‘Ashley Madison’ leak.  It was estimated that over 400 pastors and ministry staff members would resign as a result of being found on this forsaken list. 

I get it, the Duggar’s have been splayed out on national television for years now and regardless of what happens off camera, the family is viewed as a well-rounded, Christian home. Yet for some reason “Christian” in our culture means that when you make a mistake, make someone uncomfortable, or stand for what you know to be right-you are immediately a target for criticism, judgment, and are inherently wrong. 

Over the past decade or so I have watched our nation shift from being one nation under God to a nation that desires anything but God.  When studying God’s characteristics in His Word, you will see that He is loving, but he is also just.  He is the Righteous Judge and the Redeemer.  He is the God who sees us and knows us.  Guys, God knows us and loves us anyway. 

There is redemption for Josh Duggar and there is redemption for all of us who fall short of His glory on a daily basis.  That’s right, we all mess up; Josh Duggar’s mistakes just so happened to be aired on national television…and I don’t know about you, but I’m thankful that my sins have been cast as far as the east is from the west. 

Aaron and Melissa Klein of Oregon caused quite the uproar when they refused to bake a wedding cake for a lesbian couple. As a result of the Klein’s stand, people spent the following days pondering if Jesus would bake the cake.  Well to be honest I do not know the answer to that.  We know that Jesus spent a good chunk of his time with the lowest of the low-including tax collectors, thieves, scandalous women, and liars.  BUT he never approved of their forbidden choices.

 What does this mean for Kim Davis?  Should she be a hero to the Christian world for taking a stand against what she knows is not God-ordained?  Should going against the law of the land or going against her own convictions be of greater value?  As the media blasts Davis and her refusal to sign off on gay marriage, I do not envy her predicament.  Davis could not justify condoning gay marriage even if it meant jail time and the potential loss of her job. 

What are we trying to prove here?  From a Biblical worldview, we can solidly say that homosexuality is wrong-that it is a sin.  Does that mean that Christians do not sin?  No, no, and no.  Pursing Christ is a process and none of us have ‘arrived’. All Christians, even the Duggar’s, the Klein’s, and Kim Davis are constantly in need of forgiveness and grace.  However, as believers we are instructed to ‘hate what is evil and cling to what is good’ and that is what I hope we do-no matter the cost.  

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Instrument of Thy Peace

St. Francis of Assisi

Jesus, We Are Broken: A Much Overdue Reflection on my Brief Return to Uganda.

In Fall of 2011 I had the privilege of a lifetime.  God, in all His greatness, worked it out for me to spend the first semester of my senior year of college in Mukono, Uganda.   While my love for Africa was first sparked years prior to this adventure, my time in Mukono ignited a joy deep in my heart. 

As anyone would expect, a semester in a different context changes you.  Uganda scarred me in more ways than I can explain.  I travelled to that beautiful country with great dreams and expectations of how I was going to change the world, but Uganda shattered all of that.  Instead, Uganda taught me the value of presence, people, and reconciliation.  I quickly realized that Africa didn’t need me, but oh, how I needed Africa. 

In all honesty, I was hesitant to return to Uganda.  I loved the time I had there previously and feared that returning to a place that I loved so deeply would only result in discontentment when I returned to the States.  Surprisingly, our 10 day trip to Uganda resulted in anything but discontentment.  It was still just as hard and disappointing to leave the country that I love, but lessons were still learned. 

It’s funny how God teaches us sometimes.  The biggest lesson from my return to Uganda did not come in the form of some glorious revelation, but through a toddler.  Good Shepherd’s Fold, the orphanage that we worked with, is home to children of all ages.  While our team was there, we were welcomed in any of the children’s homes during our free time-so any time I was free you were most likely to find me in the baby house (shocking, I know). 

On one of our last mornings at GSF I made my way down to the baby house, took off my shoes, and sat on the floor to spend my morning playing with a handful of the little guys that had stolen my heart.   One little man kept bringing me a small plastic egg.  He would run up to me with one piece of the egg in each hand saying “mommy it is broken!”.  I would put it back together for him over and over and over again.  He found so much joy in the restoration of that egg….and that was it.  That’s when everything clicked. 

We enter into 3^rd world countries as arrogant Americans thinking that we have it all together…that we can fix anything for these people….that these poor people need our help; that we can be their saving grace, but the reality is: We. Are. Broken.  All of us.  And broken people cannot fix other broken people, but God can. 

Jesus, we are broken.